Wednesday, 8 December 2010

Today

Today I'm tired. Today I dislike the world. Today I saw 4 different cars flip-off other cars, gratefully not me. Today my sister saved me by taking Austin and Amelia. Today I cried. Today I sent Amelia to see the Nutcracker for her 1st time without me because I couldn't face it - I missed this memory. Today Brady had his doctor's appointment and his knee is healing well from surgery. Today my head is throbbing. Today I cried. Today I heard horrible stories about what's going on in other people's lives, people I know, people I care about, and I felt guilty for feeling sorry for myself when so many others suffer. Today I painted. Today I cried. Today I am scared for my daughter who starts a new round of Maintenance chemotherapy tomorrow - Methotrexate will be injected into her spinal fluid in an effort to keep her cancer away. Today I worry about the side effects like brain damage. Today and EVERY day I am grateful she is alive. Today I cried.

16 comments:

Eisha said...

:-(

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry.

"Today I heard horrible stories about what's going on in other people's lives, people I know, people I care about, and I felt guilty for feeling sorry for myself when so many others suffer."

Ditto, I know exactly what you mean!

Life is hard. There are days when I really feel like I can do it, that I am strong and capable. And other days when I think I won't make it through the hour. So so much pain.

I will offer a prayer for you.

johnjillhuz said...

Amanda, these days can be so hard. It is okay to be frustrated, scared, upset, and it's okay to cry. Sometimes letting those tears fall just gets all that anxiety over cancer out for awhile. Let the tears flow, give Millie a few extra kisses, and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Thinking of you!

Anonymous said...

I love you Amanda! And I love your little Amelia! I'm so sorry you have had such a bad day. I think you are remarkable!!! - Miss Patti

The Buckley's said...

I am so sorry Amanda. It is ok for you to feel this way and I think you deserve a moment to let it all out. Your family is so strong and amazing. We will pray for you and always keep you in our thoughts!!!

Briana said...

It sounds like you had plenty of things to have a hard day about. I'm sorry things are rough right now. I hope today is a little better!

Jesse C said...

I hope you are doing better today.

ashlie said...

check out docereclinics.com for his knee

this really helped me a lot. Its called prolotherapy and it goes hand in hand with physical therapy.

Danalisa said...

Hugs!!! prayers...lover u!

{autie} said...

we love you.

lindsay Roscoe said...

This is my most favorite post so far. I think it is beautiful and honest. I am glad you wrote it. We love you all!

Vicki said...

Beautifully written, poignant, and so well deserving. I cried while reading this. I am sad :-( there are days like this for you and your family. Prayers, and healing thoughts for you and your sweet family

Marie said...

After reading your post, Amanda, I wanted to just hug you! I cried a lot today...fighting leukemia is an every day battle--no matter where you are on the battlefield. I appreciate your sweet messages that have cheered me up. It helps me to know that other moms are going through similar things, emotions, frustrations, etc.

Please know that we are all praying for you, your family, and especially that darling Millie!

Hope we both have better days ahead...Marie

Chelsea said...

I am so sorry Amanda. The pure sorrow that cancer brings is sometimes unbearable, but add to it the everyday stresses of being a mom, wife, and taking care of yourself and things get impossible. You deserve to feel this way, to cry it out and vent. I wish I had read this earlier and I would have called you or brought you a coke (that always helps a little).

Millie is strong and an inspiration, but I think you are just as strong and you have inspired me more than you will ever know. You and your family lead us in our fight against cancer and I will forever look up to you. I am so very grateful for your friendship.

Today, I am so sad that my friend had such a hard day. I hope that today you got out all the emotions you needed to move forward with confidence.

Love you! XOXOXO

Jenni Cooper said...

You just made me cry! Oh Amanda, I absolutely hate days like this, but us cancer moms are bound to have them every once and a while. Just know that I am buckled in this roller coaster right next to you and if you ever need anything, even if its just to talk, I am here for you. Your so amazing and I look up to you so much. --Jenni

Amanda Cahoon said...

Amanda, This is Amanda Cahoon (Codie's niece)
This is a really powerful post. I am sorry for everything you have to go through.
Also, your post is very poetic. You should write. (: