Thursday, 18 July 2013

One Month

It has been a while.  Two and a half months ago I wrote most of a very long blog post to catch us up.  I'll have to finish it and get it up soon, but I didn't want to let today pass without writing something.  This is probably more for my sake than anything, but feel like sharing tonight.


Dear Millie,

A month ago you were freed from your pain.  I miss you more each day but I am happy for you.

In December we learned that it was not likely you would survive.  In February we were told you were out of options.  We all refused to quit and fought on.  When bad news came it was very hard on your mom and me.  I felt like I had failed you.  I felt that if I was unable to protect you from this that I wasn't good for anything.  I was heartbroken.  We never gave up hope and knew you were capable of miracles, and you showed us many.

I know you did everything you could, and I know your mom and I did everything we could.

During those hard months I mourned your loss.  On May 17th, two months and one day from today - our 10 year anniversary, we learned that there were no more options, and this time there was absolutely nothing we could do about it.  What a bittersweet thing it was to hold you and love you, knowing that your time was limited, but protecting you from the pain of worrying about it.  I am so grateful I got those extra months with you.

Those were not easy months for any of us, but they were especially tough for you.  I know that those extra months were for your mom and me.  I know that we needed the time to accept that this was what was best for you.  You didn't complain much, but I can imagine how hard those months were for you.

You were too little to truly understand how brave you were or how many people you inspired.  I wish I could have explained it to you, and I certainly tried.

I will never forget one of the last things you said the night before you left this life.  I left the room in tears, horrified that I had to watch you suffer and that I had to let you go.  You turned to your mom and said "tell dad to think of his brave Millie."

I miss you terribly, but I have not mourned your loss this past month.  You suffered enough.  I love you too much to wish you were still here suffering.  I need you here with me, but I know that God did what was best for you.  All I ever wanted was what was best for you, and if living the rest of this life without you is what is best for you, then I will not complain.  I will be brave for you.

We have tried to serve others in your name.  This year's Millie's Princess Run was amazing.  I can't believe how many people helped, and know you were proud.  We are not done.  We have big plans for how to help others.  I feel you close to me when I help others - frankly my desire to serve may be a bit selfish at this point.

I must have told you this hundreds of times but I will say it again.  You are my hero.  I am so proud to be your dad, and I hope I can be a better person so that when we meet again you will be proud of me too.

Love,

Dad


23 comments:

Mary said...

Thank you. Dad's are hero's and you are Millie's.

Roscoe Petroff said...

There really aren't words. We love you!

Missy said...

Thank you. What a beautiful post.

Ashley said...

Beautifully said.

Saje Stephen said...

So beautiful

Heidi said...

She's inspired Me. Truly touched my heart. You and Amanda are amazing. Thanks for sharing your brave Millie!

Sandi Martin said...

Seriously love you guys...! It's so wonderful to know that she is yours For Always and Forever. Love, Sandi

Chels said...

That was amazing to read. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings and for continuing to share your sweet Millie with us. You and your family continue to be in my prayers.

Simonsen Family said...

Your becoming quite the Hero yourself, Brady! Well done!

Danalisa said...

No words. Beautiful. We will all feel Millie with us as we spread her kindness.

Unknown said...

Wow Brady, that was quite a poignant post. It made me more intent on treasuring every moment with my kids. It really made me want to ball, cause I got a little glimpse into the pain you've experienced. So sorry for your loss.

Anonymous said...

Brady, you have always been heroic in my eyes. I can think of anyone more inspiring than you, Amanda, and of course Millie! You are all at the top of my Hero list! -Miss Patti

bella said...

that was so beautiful, so filled of love, so filled with bravery! thank you for sharing a piece of your heart with us. you are, indeed, helping others in more ways than you probably realize.

McCall said...

What a beautiful post. Your family is inspiring. Millie has touched so many lives. The Lord blessed you with an incredible daughter.

Anonymous said...

Brady you and your family are true examples of Christ. Until you meet again, she will always be with you in your heart and in the life you live. Love and prayers to your sweet family. Kimi

Crystalee said...

Thank you for sharing this with us, Brady. Your family continues to touch my heart, and you're still in our prayers. Millie's added so much love to the world, and it's a privilege to read your thoughts about her last days on earth.

Again, thank you.

Tammy Shumway said...

Thank your for sharing. I am so honored and grateful to read this. I was at Millie's Princess Run this year and will be back every year that I can. I want to teach and show my girls about helping others and Millie's run is a great way to do that. The event had a wonderful feeling and I loved being a part of it. Thank you thank you!

Anonymous said...

So touching - Not a day goes by that I don't think of Millie's journey and of her two wonderful parents. You have inspired me to stop and just let things be and just be with my kids. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Jenny H.

Angela Lancaster said...

So very touching and beautiful <3

Eisha said...

perfect letter!

Keri said...

I came to your blog from Persnickety. I have a 2-year old Amelia "Millie", a son the same as your Amelia, and my husband and I also celebrated our 10th anniversary on May 17th. I was so moved and touched by your story and by the strength of your Millie. You are doing an amazing job of honoring her. I wanted you to know that my Millie will be wearing the cake top designed by your Millie.

Anonymous said...

That was beautiful. I continue to think of you and your family each and every day. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. Lisa, Draper, UT.

kate said...

Brady and Amanda,

I've followed you for years along your journey in Europe and then back home and through the years of cancer with your darling Millie. I stopped blogging about six months ago, and the thought came to me to check on your sweet girl. I'm heartbroken to hear she's on the other side now. As a new mom, I have admired your guy's strength and faith in your sweet little girl. Thank you Millie for teaching so much in your life. You are a blessing.

Sincerely,

Kate Bess Bueler (communikate)