Thursday, 11 November 2010

Clinic November 2010

(so I wrote this post on November 11, but I kept forgetting to upload the picture, so that's why I'm just posting it now)

It was so nice to walk into clinic today and see lots of familiar faces. There were 3 other families there from our Facebook support group, and although I wish we knew each other for a different reason then we do, it's still a wonderful comfort. Sadly I left my camera in the car or I would have LOVED to get a picture with all our Cancer Fighting Cuties.

My mom came with me today (THANK HEAVENS!). It's always nice to have an extra pair of hands to wrestle the Austin Monster, and some one for me to chat with while we play the waiting game. Luckily we were on what they call the "fast track" and we were out of there in 2 1/2 hours, yep, that's FAST for clinic. Our other buddies were there for more like 8. :(

Everything went well. Millie's blood counts are all good which was nice to hear since she is on the full dose of oral chemo right now. I thought she was looking pale, and I still do, but a blood test doesn't lie.

Today was just like every other clinic day; height measured, weight check, blood pressure taken, and then a lot of waiting and meeting with a nurse and 2 different doctors. Millie was a champ when they accessed her PORT and administered her Vincristine. I am so proud of her!

Clinic Stats:
Height: 104 cm
Weight: 16.2 kg
ANC: 2000

Everything else was written on November 11, but now I'm writing tonight

I mentioned before that Millie has been pale. She still is and along with that she is incredibly tired. She takes a nap almost every day and this afternoon she slept for 4 HOURS! I'm worried about her. She's not sick, she doesn't seem to be getting sick, her counts are actually on the high side, so what is going on? Someone on our support page wrote that our medical innocence is gone and it's so true. My head no longer goes to she's probably growing, or maybe catching a cold, my mind wonders off to the worst possible scenario...her cancer is coming back.

The chances of that happening during Maintenance chemo is incredibly low, and I'm sure that's not what it is, but I HATE that that's where my brain goes. I don't know if I could handle it. I really don't. I probably sound a little like a mad woman at the moment but these fears are my reality and it's not fair.

Her next appointment is December 9th and in a way I'm actually looking forward to it. As much as I HATE chemo and HATE what it does to my baby girl and HATE what it could do to my baby girl over her life, I am grateful for it at the same time.

Chemo is saving her.


Sandi Martin said...

I love her smile...

nsudburyfam said...

I'm sorry that you have to have the fear that you do. I know how you feel and I wish there were words that could take it away. I can say that it seems to get a little easier over time. (By little, I mean REALLY little - it's a slow process, and by slow, I mean REALLY slow)

I hope everything is going okay and that cute Millie perks up soon. I love how cute her hair looks as it's growing. She's adorable.

Dani said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dani said...

Chase has been bruising a lot lately and I have felt that exact same way, but every time he has blood drawn his platelets are way up. But you always think the worst when you see the symptoms that these little ones had in the beginning! I hope she gets feeling better and in the mean time enjoy the time you get to yourself (that is rare) while she is sleeping!!! Do something for you that you enjoy!

Chelsea said...

Amanda, I am so sorry you are having those fears. I cant imagine them ever going away (for me). I even worry myself to death about Caden, and he is perfectly healthy! When you have experienced the worst news you can get, your mind just automatically goes there. You learn to expect the unexpected. I TOTALLY get that and it is normal, just try to remember how well Millie has done! She is quite the fighter, and so are YOU! Hang in there! XOXOX

johnjillhuz said...

Your fears are normal. I think the rest of us cancer moms feel this way. I don't know if the feeling will ever go away. It is part of the trial we all face.

You are so strong and I'm thankful that you stopped me in the hall so many months ago. It is good to have friends who understand.

Millie is beautiful. When I look at Erin's hair coming in, I hope that it looks as cute as Millie's does.

Jesse C said...

Glad to hear the counts are up.

She is such a cute girl.

lindsay Roscoe said...

The sad thing is, is we all worry the same now. The morning that Brady called me to come get Austin from Primary because Millies blood work wasn't coming back normal and she was being admitted. Brady said the dr mentioned she could have a rare blood disorder. Where before all this I would have thought oh come on now. I thought ok here we go what we will we need to do. Or when brady was having all those tests on his heart. I guess you and anyone who enters the hospital long term are too aware that sickness, disease and pain excist. Also I have been worried about Millie too? I agree she has looked a little pale and seemed more tired?? Love you all and hope your day is good!

Anonymous said...

Amanda, I'm no pro at all this but since Rachel's diagnosis I've learned that even we have good news, part of you is wondering, "Yeah, but for how long?" or "But what if...." The bottom line is that watching your child suffer with cancer is serious business and as moms we always worry. Just know that we are all here understanding what you're feeling. I so appreciate all the support you have given Rachel and me. We pray for Millie and your family always and will continue to do so!

Millie's hair looks so cute! Rach is jealous!

Briana said...

We are the same way - we think Elena looks pale, is low on energy, etc and that she must be anemic and then nothing! Or, she'll be bruising like crazy and we'll think she needs platelets and then her levels are sky high! We don't know what to make of things anymore. It's actually kind of strangely reassuring to me to read other cancer families saying similar things.

I think I understand some of your fears. It's so hard not knowing! Not knowing what's going on right now and not knowing what's going to happen in the future. Will the cancer come back, etc.? Hearing about people going off treatment always makes me think, but wait - no chemo at all??! The thought of it makes me very nervous. It really is a love/hate relationship. On the one hand you hate what it does to your child, but on the other hand, you love the safety net. I guess you just have to come to a point where you are vigilant and always watchful, but still trying to live life and say, "ok, I have no real control over this and no way of knowing if it'll come back or not, so I just have to live the life we're given." Sometimes I think that really stinks. :) That's probably going to be my eternal battle until Elena is good and old. Meh.

I hope Millie feels better soon - keep us updated!

Ashlie said...

sometimes I think that is the worst part of aging..knowing more.. But put it out of your mind. Dont think things into existance...because its not going to happen!

wait until she is a teenager!! now that will be crazy