love.

Happy Halloween!

It amazes me how emotional I am when a new holiday rolls around. I am just so grateful to have both my little girl and my little man with us. Austin's official due date was Halloween Day and he hadn't been off his oxygen too long this time last year and well Millie, she's alive. We're blessed.

We did a little Trick or Treating this morning at Nana's, Great Grandma Ellsworth's, and Grandma Jager's house. Millie was so cute! She kept running around yelling, "BATGIRL".

TRICK or TREAT Nana

She got a Halloween Witch Barbie and had it opened the second we were back in the car! But, before we left Millie had to show Nana her Batgirl moves.

They're Fancy!

She finishes every move by yelling, "BATGIRL".

TRICK or TREAT Grandma and Grandpa Jager

We got home and took a little break from candy and costumes to rake leaves, well Brady raked them, Millie and I had more important things to do :)
After Millie and Austin took their naps (Millie usually crashes sometime during the day, the chemo wears her down), we headed out as a family to do a little Trick or Treating in the neighborhood.

Alfred, Batgirl, The Riddler, Batman

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

A happy song

Brady was out late the other night with his friends, so me and Millie decided to have a dance party. Our favorite song to jam to is, MILLIE by Jesse Crowley. I have posted about it before, but I love it so much that I thought I would share it again. Jesse wrote this song for Millie at a time in my life that I took 3 hot showers a day just to get away from everything and be alone (our water bill was expensive that month). I was having to give Millie chemo through her accessed PORT and that is something a parent should NEVER have to face and more then I could bare some days. This song brought me so much happiness when I needed it the most and if I am ever getting swallowed up I can pop it in and it makes everything seem insignificant.

Millie is happy, fighting, and winning. There is nothing else.

For your listening enjoyment; Millie's Song

(here are the lyrics if you want to read as you listen)

MILLIE
Close your eyes, think of what you'll be
And everywhere you'll go and what you'll see.
A cowgirl on the range, or an astronaut in space,
Or a mommy with a babe, or all of these.
Millie Millie no matter what you do
We'll be right by your side
To share it all with you.
Millie Millie look around you'll see
Nothing but faith and hope from friends and family.
You're gonna fight fight fight 'till the sun goes down
Fight fight fight for the whole year round
You're gone smile and hope and believe.
What is red if we have no green?
The blue without the orange means nothing.
The shadows violet haze
Cast from the burning golden rays.
How can you pick a favorite one
From all you've seen?
Millie Millie you'll always have a friend
Someone to pick you up and dust you off again.
Millie Millie look around you'll see
Nothing but faith and hope from friends and family.
Chorus
Tilt your head, look up to the sky
And in the starry night you'll see a satellite.
And you can touch it with your eyes,
And you can wish inside your heart,
And it will be your shooting star every night.

words and music by Jesse Crowley

THANKS AGAIN JESSE, THIS IS TRULY PRICELESS

Don't Ask...

Millie's October 2010 Update

Millie is one SMART cookie and she knows if 2 parents come to clinic with her then she doesn't get our undivided attention, she prefers to have 1 parent take her. This time it was Brady's turn. That doesn't happen very often so it's always a treat for Millie. She loves her daddy time, even if it's while having poisons injected into her little body.

Brady said everything went really well. Millie was able to make her usual craft with Pat. Pat is a volunteer that seems to always be at clinic! I have started to wonder if she lives at the hospital. ;)

Millie and Pat making bracelets (Millie is showing it in the picture, but it's hard to see)

Clinic Stats:

Height: 104 cm

Weight: 16 kg

ANC: 4200

Millie's ANC made a HUGE jump from last month. It was 700 which is way low and now it's 4200, which is too high. While she is in her Maintenance phase they like to keep her ANC at a safe level for her to be out and about, but it can't be at a "normal" level either. It's a constant balancing act.

We have been having a problem with her chemo since she's been in Maintenance. Her blood counts have always been too low to have the full 100% dose that most cancer children have. She was taken totally off everything back in August when we went on our Make A Wish trip since her ability to fight infections was basically 0%. They have slowly moved her back up, but she hasn't been able to handle more then a 75% dose without her counts dropping. These first few months have been so frustrating. I feel like we just can't get in a groove and once that happens maybe life will start to feel semi normal again.

They have put her back on a full 100% dose and will check her blood counts in 2 weeks to see how she's doing. I hope we get this all figured out soon, Millie just doesn't handle it well and I hate seeing her sick from it. She was up all night throwing up and her legs were really achy. I felt so bad for her and there was nothing I could do. Every time we gave her medicine to help with the nausea or her aches she would throw it right back up. It broke my heart. She was just standing there in the middle of the night covered in vomit and crying about how she hates this. She kept saying, "I hate this mommy, I hate this". The poor thing was so exhausted already from being at the hospital and she just wanted to sleep.

She is doing better now, but Cancer Sucks.

AND NOW

for Millie's hair growth

Isn't she cute!

i LOVE those cheeks, I just want to pinch them!

P.A.R.T.Y.

Millie FINALLY got to have her Cowgirl Birthday Party! It was SO much fun. We had it at her grandpa Jeff's barn and it couldn't have been more perfect. We decorated farm animal balloons, colored cowboy pictures, had a pinata (Millie thinks it isn't a party without one), had cute horse cupcakes that my mom made, opened presents, and last but not least the kids got play with miniature horses and their little babies.

They were all so adorable. Millie's Nana had gotten brushes for them to comb their hair and my mom brought a ton of ribbon to decorate it with. It was so cute to see all these little horses running around with bows in their mane.

It was a perfect day and worth the wait. Millie couldn't have been happier and I couldn't stop crying tears of joy all day. I am so grateful for a healthy, happy, little girl. I love her.

The Birthday Girl

The 2 Cutest Bald Cowgirls Around

Millie and Cami

Pinata Time

Ellie #1 showing off her handy work. I love all the ribbons, check out the tail.

Nana helping out with the ribbon cutting.

Ellie #2

Cami making sure the mane was smooth and shiny

Mr. Austin

His silly faces make me laugh

Hanging out with Grandpa Jeff

The Whole Gang

Cami Hannah Millie Melody Ellie Ellie Caden Jager Katlyn Tasha Joey

help

PLEASE PRAY FOR SKYLER.
His mom has asked for extra prayers.
http://crystalandskyler.blogspot.com/

Cancer Moms

I love all of these women. Some of them I met for the 1st time last night, but it doesn't matter. Our situations have made us soulmates for life. I wish we had met under better circumstances, but I am grateful for your strength, for your love, and courage. You are the bravest women I know. We may be smiling in this picture, but we have seen each other at our very worst and it has only made us stronger. It is moments like last night where I am at the hospital for a good reason that keeps me going and keeps me fighting.

I love you ladies.

(We had another cute mom with us but she had to get back upstairs to be with her daughter before we could get a picture. It was so nice to meet you Marie and I am glad you decided to join us. I love you and I love Rachel. Keep fighting!)

I did not write this, but it's perfect.

I belong to a special group of women
My friends and I have an amazing bond.
We never wanted to be in this group,
Yet we are in, for life.
Maybe we have met, maybe we haven’t,
Yet our love for each other is boundless.
We know the pain the other one feels,
And we share our victories small or huge.
Words like chemo, IV, Zofran , bald heads
Are always parts of our conversations,
As well as roidrage, tears, and meltdowns…
We always know where the closest puke bucket is,
We can hold it in one hand and if necessary,
Swallow the sandwich the other hand was holding.
We can drive to the hospital,
Park in the dark parking garage
Make our way thru the halls of the hospital
And to the appropriate floor,
Settle in a room, turn the TV on,
Give instructions to the head nurse,
Silence loud beeping IV pumps,
Direct a wagon AND an IV pole
To the playroom without hitting anything
Make our way back to the correct room
And all this, mind you, With our eyes closed at any given time.
We know how to draw blood from lines
Sticking out of little kids chests.
We can hold them down with one hand,
While a nasogastric tube is inserted in their little nose,
And be on the phone with their dads at the same time.
We can live for days on hospital food,
And on maybe only one meal a day.
We know the names of up to 20 different drugs,
Their purpose, dosage and time to be taken.
We are always on call, 24 hours a day,
Seven days a week.
We are used to not always looking our best,
Hard to do with only a few hours of sleep.

Make up, hair styling, skirts are words of the past.
We have become addicted to texting,
hospital, clinic, home, wherever…
We talk sometimes at all hours of the night,
We know we can count on someone to be up.
Then for one of us, the world stops.
She has to walk away, broken.
This job is over .
The job is over, but the fight is on.
Remember, I said we were in this forever.
We are friends, sisters, temporary nurses,
We are each others rock, each others punching bag,
We listen, we vent, we cry, we laugh together.
We share our lives and our deaths
We share our pain and our victories.
We are strong, but not by choice,
Sometimes we win, sometimes we lose,
But never are we defeated.
We are not nurses
We are not doctors,
We are cancer moms…

My Little Hero

HopeKids is a part of Little Heroes and Millie's cute face is in their new video. Check it out and learn more about Little Heros at: http://www.littleheroesfoundation.org/