One Month

It has been a while.  Two and a half months ago I wrote most of a very long blog post to catch us up.  I'll have to finish it and get it up soon, but I didn't want to let today pass without writing something.  This is probably more for my sake than anything, but feel like sharing tonight.

Dear Millie,

A month ago you were freed from your pain.  I miss you more each day but I am happy for you.

In December we learned that it was not likely you would survive.  In February we were told you were out of options.  We all refused to quit and fought on.  When bad news came it was very hard on your mom and me.  I felt like I had failed you.  I felt that if I was unable to protect you from this that I wasn't good for anything.  I was heartbroken.  We never gave up hope and knew you were capable of miracles, and you showed us many.

I know you did everything you could, and I know your mom and I did everything we could.

During those hard months I mourned your loss.  On May 17th, two months and one day from today - our 10 year anniversary, we learned that there were no more options, and this time there was absolutely nothing we could do about it.  What a bittersweet thing it was to hold you and love you, knowing that your time was limited, but protecting you from the pain of worrying about it.  I am so grateful I got those extra months with you.

Those were not easy months for any of us, but they were especially tough for you.  I know that those extra months were for your mom and me.  I know that we needed the time to accept that this was what was best for you.  You didn't complain much, but I can imagine how hard those months were for you.

You were too little to truly understand how brave you were or how many people you inspired.  I wish I could have explained it to you, and I certainly tried.

I will never forget one of the last things you said the night before you left this life.  I left the room in tears, horrified that I had to watch you suffer and that I had to let you go.  You turned to your mom and said "tell dad to think of his brave Millie."

I miss you terribly, but I have not mourned your loss this past month.  You suffered enough.  I love you too much to wish you were still here suffering.  I need you here with me, but I know that God did what was best for you.  All I ever wanted was what was best for you, and if living the rest of this life without you is what is best for you, then I will not complain.  I will be brave for you.

We have tried to serve others in your name.  This year's Millie's Princess Run was amazing.  I can't believe how many people helped, and know you were proud.  We are not done.  We have big plans for how to help others.  I feel you close to me when I help others - frankly my desire to serve may be a bit selfish at this point.

I must have told you this hundreds of times but I will say it again.  You are my hero.  I am so proud to be your dad, and I hope I can be a better person so that when we meet again you will be proud of me too.

Love,

Dad